Blissful Devastation (Leighton Lock Chronicles #1) Read online

  Josie has always been so kind and caring. Me? I’ve killed people, relentlessly and without remorse. Fuck why she was dying, I was plotting my father’s fucking murder. It should be me lying there, dead. Not her, it should never have been her.

  “Josie, baby. Please, just wake up, let this all be a dream. Tell me you are at home safe, cooking me dinner, rubbing your belly as our son kicks, waiting for me to come home and kiss you and hold you and love you. Please, I’m begging you, please, baby, please, don't do this to me, you can't go, you can't leave.” I burst into tears. I slam my fists into the mattress, next to her, trying to expel some of my emotion. My rage, self-hate, despair, loath, heartbreak and pity.

  My eyes are sore, my cheeks wet and my heart crumbled. I lay my face onto the sheets, my head next to hers as I cry for my loss. I rub my hand over her empty belly, gazing as her breasts rise and fall once again.

  I feel a hand soothing my back gently. “It’s going to be okay, Leighton. Sometimes bad things happen. But we have to focus on moving forward. I know it seems like there is no future right now, but you have your son to look after as well now. You can't give up.” She tells me soothingly and I want to smile, I'm happy I have one positive thing from this, I could have lost them both, but at least he is here, but right now, the thought of using my facial muscles to smile, seems disrespectful and I hate the thought of being happy even for a second.

  “I’ll leave you to be, but you should really call someone. You need your family here at this time.” The nurse says. There are only a few people I’d want to see right now, one being my mother, the others my sister and best friend. No one knows what’s happened to Josie. She hadn’t any family of her own, so there is no one to call on her side.

  “Call my mum, have her and my sister come here, please.” I tell her, ready for somebody to hold me, maybe draw some of my pain from me and experience it for themselves.

  “Sure thing, sweetheart. You want me to say what’s happened or just ask them to come here.” I can't bear the thought of having to tell them she was gone, I’d rather they know when they get here, so they can support me straight away.

  “Tell them, but I don't want my father or brother here.” I explain to her, returning my attention back to Josie.

  “Of course, Leighton. I’ll call them now.” I hear the door close behind me, the bolt clicking into place quietly.

  I’ve hardly looked at my boy, finding it too hard to know he is so tiny and weak. It’s hard enough having to sit here with Josie, let alone my baby.

  I take a look over to really see him. He is minuscule, his head only the size of my palm, his hair dark and thick on his head, his eyes closed. His feet are the size of my knuckle, each with ten incy wincey toes on. I feel inclined to put my hand in there, into his incubator to touch him. I push my fingers through the whole on the side, reaching to gently stroke his face. I don't know if I’m allowed, but I do anyway.

  “Hi, son.” I say quietly. I turn myself to face him, as I move my hand down to his hand and his fingers move slightly to hold one of my own. A tear trickles from my eye, my free hand rushing to wipe it away. “Mummy isn’t going to be around when you grow up, but don't worry, you’ll know who she is, we will talk about her every day. She was incredible, the most beautiful woman there ever was. She loved you, so much, she would be so happy you’re alive. We are going to make it, me and you, we can do it, for her. Josie, your mummy, she wouldn’t want us to give up. Me and you are going to be a family, with the beautiful memory of her to guide us. I can't say I’ll be the best dad, I’ll try my hardest, but I know I will fail sometimes, probably quite often. However, you will have to be patient with me. I love you.” I say for the first time.

  “Oh, Leighton. Babe, who are you talking to?” I hear my mum say behind me. I turn abruptly, pulling my hand from the incubator. She takes a look at the crib from the door, then runs off. Georgia runs in a second later. Her hand slaps across her mouth as she takes in her nephew in the plastic bed, then her face breaks as she see’s my fiancée strung up to machines and soulless.

  “Leighton, she is going to wake up.” Georgia tells me, coming to my side. “Is that, is that my nephew, are you a dad?” Georgia asks me.

  I look to her with my blotchy sore eyes and nod my answer. “Wow.” She exclaims gasping at him. “He is so tiny, Leighton. Is he okay?” Georgia is still young, unable to comprehend what is happening. She still believes everything in the world is easy and dandy.

  “He is very small, very premature. He is weak Georgia, they don't know if he will even survive, sweetheart.” I begin to cry again, standing up to brush myself off a little.

  I feel my sister’s arms around me, pulling me to her. She is behind me, my back to her front, her cheek to my back as she comforts my hurt. “Leighton, it’s going to be okay.” She says again, and I snap, unwittingly but probably needing to.

  “NO! NO IT’S FUCKING NOT GEORG. MY FIANCÉE, MY FUCKING JOSIE IS DEAD. MY SON, MIGHT DIE, MY FATHER IS FUCKING CUNT, MY MOTHER JUST RUN OFF WHEN I NEED HER THE MOST AND YOU, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT LIFE, AND HOW BAD IT CAN GET!” I scream loudly, Georgia remaining straight faced the entire time, her eyes water a little but she remains calm.

  I drop to the floor, submitting to my weakness. Facing the truth is the hardest thing to do, and I don't want to, but it has to be done. I wonder to myself how long I’ll keep her attached to the machine, how long I’ll keep her alive for my own fucking benefit.

  Once again, my sister falls to my side, she pulls my head to her shoulder, cradling my head as I weep into her shirt. “Shhh, Leighton, let it all out, babe, let it all out.” She strokes my hair with one hand and my back with the other. “I’m here, I’ll always be here.” Georgia exclaims.

  I sit on the hard floor for over an hour, crying and releasing everything. It felt good to have her here, looking after me for once. I can't be strong, not at the moment, I need someone to keep me standing at the moment.

  “Feel better?” she asks me as I finally raise my head. I nod to her, smiling weakly.

  “Good, now off the floor, my butt hurts.” She makes me laugh lamely, but it comes out.

  “So, brother of mine, why was I not aware Josie was pregnant?” Georgia asks me a little offended.

  We had decided we didn’t want anyone knowing until the baby was here, my family wasn’t exactly functional and I didn’t want anything cursing this pregnancy. It was selfish not to tell anyone, but we didn’t care.

  I shrug my shoulders at her, “Didn’t want anyone knowing, but, well I guess you know now, hey.” I sit back in my chair, putting my hand through the crib to stroke my son’s hand.

  “He is going to be beautiful, Leighton. Do you have a name for him?” she asks me, and I smile at the thought.

  “I have an idea, but I don't know. I want to name him after Josie, so I was thinking Joseph, maybe Joseph Leigh Lock.” I smile a little stronger this time, wanting to pick my baby up and hold him, but he is far too small to do that.

  “That’s perfect, so perfect. You’re going to be okay, Leighton. She would want you to be strong and keep going. She wouldn’t want you to be sad and lonely. I know it has been a day since it happened, but you need to think positive.” She tells me and I look across to the bed again, my Josie still looking the same. Still open mouthed and artificially breathing.

  I sigh my sadness, wishing I could go back in time and stop this from happening.

  “You have to let her go soon, Leighton. It’s not fair on you, or your son, to keep her here. She needs to be put to rest. It’s the only way you’ll move on.” I know she’s right, of course she is. And the longer and more I look at Josie, the more I break and the harder I fall. I need to be able to remember the way she was yesterday morning, not how she looks now, all busted up, bruised and dead.

  “I know. I will let her go, it’s just so hard to think I won't ever see her again. That she won't be there anymore.” I tell my sister, wiping a stray tear as I think of my future.

  “But she will be here, Leighton, all angels are. You and Joseph will see her every day. Just looking at him you will see her, see the beautiful life you created.”

  “Okay, yes, okay. Please get the doctor.” I tell her, ready to do it. It is bad that after only one day I can end her life that easily, but in theory she isn’t alive, and there is absolutely no chance she will return. Her brain has shut down, the only organ that runs the entire body. A computer wouldn’t work without a motherboard, the same goes for a human. Our brain is our motherboard controlling everything our beings do. My Josie is gone, and it’s time to let her vessel go too.

  “Mr Lock.” A doctor says as her returns with my sister.

  “Hi. Erm, I would, I’d like to turn off her life support please?” I ask him, looking at as I do.

  “Are you sure, you can wait, there is no rush.” He explains to me, but I know I would only be avoiding the inevitable if I waiting.

  “is there any way she will come back to me, that the changes can be reversed?” I ask, just needing clarification one last time.

  “I'm afraid not, Mr Lock, once the brain shuts down and dies it’s gone forever. Are you sure you want to do this now, you can wait?” he informs me, but my decision is made just by his information that she will never come back.

  “No, I’d like to do it now, she needs to rest now. I need to focus on bringing up our son, Joseph.” The name seems so right coming from my lips.

  “Okay. If you are sure Mr Lock. You are very strong and brave. I admire you. You will make an incredible father.” The doctor tells me, trying to keep me strong, but I know when she has been unplugged, like a computer, I will break and I will need my friends and family.

  “Yes, I am sure.” I tell him and watch as he explains how to switch it off.

  “Leighton.” I hear my name being called through my fogginess as I lean to press the button.

  I turn my head, stopping in my tracks, to see Antonio as the door. “Ant.” I say, my lip beginning to quiver. He comes to my side, pulling me to him. He holds me for a few minutes before pulling me away to look at me. “God, I’m so sorry, man. So fucking sorry.” Ant passes his regards on to me, looking to my fiancée.

  “I need to this now.” I say to everyone, turning around and pressing the button quickly, immediately.

  We all stand silently as we watched for ten minutes as the line of her pulse dwindles and eventually flat lines.

  I dropped my head down to the floor, officially alone.

  She is dead.

  Chapter Six

  It was Josie’s funeral today. It was only small, with me, Antonio, Maria and my sister in attendance. Josie didn’t have anyone else. We were her only family, and I always tried to be the best she ever had.

  It was a beautiful ceremony, perfect for her. Elegant and a striking way to remember her and the incredible person she was.

  I'm at the hospital now, in a different room. They have moved Joseph to the proper premature baby facility, to care for him. It has been two weeks since Josie was hit. They had to keep her body, letting police examine her for traces of the vehicle that had hit her. I refused to let them to do it when she was on the machines, I wanted my last moments with her, untarnished.

  The cops still don't have an answer, they still don't know what happened to my Josie, but they are trying to find out. I have no faith that they will, whoever did this, driving away after ripping her life from her, clearly knows how to cover his or hers tracks.

  I sit in the chair in my baby’s room, watching him moving a little, my hand stroking his soft forehead. Georgia is with me, as she has been for the past two weeks, refusing to leave my side. I’ve been staying in a hotel nearby, not wanting to go home to our home, or to my parents house. Everything just holds too many memories.

  “He is doing real well, Leighton, I can't believe he’s already grown.” Georgia tells me, as she sits next to me, watching as her nephew blinks his little eyes.

  He had started to strengthen, his levels of medicine needed, being lowered, the levels of oxygen artificially fed to him, lowered, everything is looking up. I still feel emptiness inside of me at the absence of her, but Joseph is making it better, making it easier to smile every day. I now look forward to the future, look forward to seeing my kid growing up, even without his mother there, I know we will have a beautiful life together.

  The doctors have said he should be able to go home around the time he was originally due, but it could be earlier.

  “I know, he is already getting better, I’m so grateful he is okay. It could have gone the complete opposite way. I could have lost them both.” I say sadly, not wanting to think of not having Joe here. He is now my life, everything I live and breathe for. He is beautiful, perfect, and a complete spit of his mother.

  “I'm excited for you to take him home.” Georgia tells me. I know she is excited to be an auntie, to cuddle and play with him.

  “Yeah, me too. I’ll be going to Ant’s until I can get my own house, so i'm sure he’d be okay with you coming. I think ima need the help to be honest. I haven’t got a clue what i'm doing.” I laugh stupidly at myself, and my lack of knowledge.

  “It’ll come to you, Leigh, you are going to be amazing. I just know you are.” I know my sister looks up to me, she always has.

  “How’s mum?” I ask, knowing she was upset by what she saw at the hospital. Why she couldn’t of come and seen how I was, I don't know, but I still worry about her at home with him.

  “She is okay. As well as can be with him, there.” Georgia replies, presenting her feelings of our father.

  “Yeah, I bet. I don't like her there with him, or Brandon.” I miss my brother. I haven’t seen him since the day I left home, over three months ago.

  “Brandon doesn’t do much, he stays in his room all day on that poxy computer, so dad doesn’t get a chance to get at him. But mum, I’m getting sick of seeing it to be honest, Leighton.” Georgia reveals to me, making me a little angry at my mothers stubbornness.

  “I need to try and get her away, or get him gone. I’d love to be able to come home, I need you guys, but I can't face seeing him without wanting to...” I don't finish my sentence, Georgia doesn’t need to know what our father and I do.

  “Yeah, don't we wish you could.” She says with an evil look in her eyes. I am clearly less in the know that I thought, my baby sister, a young girl, knows what our father does for a living.

  “So, anyway, little sister, how is everything, any boys got their eye on you?” I only ask, so she gives me the name of the boys I need to castrate. My little sister is fourteen, becoming a young woman, and not only did I fear for my child growing up, I fear for my sister’s innocence. I feel for the guy to grasp that, because he will find his cock lodged in his throat.

  “No, none.” She replies all too quickly causing me to doubt her. I laugh at her, scuffing her hair.

  “Okay, whatever you say, Georg.” I brush my fingertips over Joe’s nose gently before removing my hand. “Wanna head for some food and a sleep?” I ask her, in desperate need of something in my stomach and a good night’s sleep. I feel at peace now, like a huge weight has been lifted and I can carry on my life, remembering my Josie and the way we were. I know she is smiling down on me, guiding me to safety.

  “Absolutely. I'm ravenous.” Georgia replies, kissing her fingertips and placing them on her Nephews head.

  “Come on then.” I bend my elbow offering it to her, after saying goodbye to my boy. I smile at him, proud of the strength he has, and the strength he has instilled in me.

  “You’re a good guy, Leighton Lock. I'm proud to be your sister, you know that?” Georgia tells me and it makes my heart melt.

  “Georgia, that is too sweet. I'm honoured to be your brother too, I’m so thankful you’re here with me, keeping me up.” I tell her, letting her arm go and putting my arm around her shoulders.

  “No, Leighton, it is not me keeping you up, it is you. You are stronger than you think you are, you are a soldier, a warrior who fought to survive.”I kiss her head and pull her tighter to me.

  “Thanks. Sometime I don't feel like it, but I’m determined to live every second of my life the way Josie would want me to.” We walk to my car, then I drive us to a local grill.

  We eat our meals, talking and laughing about things that happened when we were children. I tell her of funny times with me and Josie, tell her how it was when we found out about Joe, how excited we were.

  We head back to the hotel after, both showering quickly and getting into our beds.

  It is lights out for me almost the second my head hit the pillow.

  I know it’s not lights out forever, there will be a trail of it somewhere and it will draw me to it like a moth to a flame, guiding me somewhere I can call home once more, my angel showing me the pathway I need to take.

  Chapter Seven

  The day has come, the day I get to take my son home, well to his temporary home anyway. He now weighs five pound two ounces, he is healthy, can breathe on his own and has fortunately not suffered any complications from his premature birth. It is two weeks before his original due date, so he is home earlier than expected. Georgia and I, with Joseph in his car seat, walk through the hospital car park to my car, getting him settled in before driving to Antonio’s house.

  When we arrive, we are greeted by him and his sister, Maria, both of them running through the front door, down the drive to the car. Maria is quick to help me get Joe out of the car, her and Georgia carrying his car seat in the house.

  “You doing good, mate?” Ant asks me, as we both follow our sisters into the house, shaking our heads at their enthusiasm over him being here.

  “I’m really good, actually, very positive. So happy to finally have him home.” Antonio slaps my back in a friendly gesture, guiding me through the front door of his welcoming home. Blue banners and streamers have been put up and I can't help but smile sadly as I think that Josie should be here, bringing him home with me.